The Long Way Round

Will has been a good mate of ours for many years. We first met up through mountain biking and have been on a few adventures together in the Alps. He and his partner Claire have a wicked sense of humour and are great fun to be around, so we were delighted when they asked us along to their wedding one summer in Hereford. The date was  during August when we would be visiting the UK anyway and the availability of grandparents meant we were all set for a weekend of drunken escape from parenthood. In typical style, all preparations were left to the last minute and after half a dozen unsuccessful enquiries with full hotels we decided just to throw a double mattress into the back of a Cool Bus and head off to Herefordshire. 

As soon as we arrived in town we called another wedding invitee and good mate of some twenty years, Matt. He explained that he had rented an apartment from Air B’nB which had plenty of space. Ten minutes later we were safely ensconced in this two bedroom pad above a hairdressers in the town centre. We tucked into a few beers whilst donning our glad rags and then set off on the very short walk to the venue. 

Will and Claire had hired a hall just down the road. The official ceremony had taken place earlier but they put on a special one for their evening guests, complete with a fake vicar played by one of their mates. Hilarious speeches followed before a band took to the stage. Beverages had very kindly been laid on and the crowd was well up for it. Needless to say everyone got involved and we were well oiled by the time we were turfed out onto the streets after midnight.

With a relatively short walk home, it wasn’t long before we were collapsing into bed in a drunken stupor.

Then some time later…

I awoke completely disorientated. The room was pitch black. I had no idea where I was or what had brought me here. The only thing certain was I was desperate for a wee. I made my way off the bed and then felt my way around the wall until I found a door. Stumbling out into the hallway offered no more clues. I made my way down a set of stairs to a landing. One doorway lead to a lounge, another to a kitchen and from the third I could hear snoring. I headed down the next set of stairs to be confronted by a front door. By now I was fit to burst. I could continue my search upstairs but felt sure I had exhausted every possibility. Clearly this house did not have a toilet. I decided the best course of action was to relieve myself in the street.

I stepped out through the front door to be greeted by an unexpected sight. I stared wide eyed like a rabbit in the headlights at the street opposite. The regular Saturday night clientele of a kebab shop and taxi rank stared back at me. Time seemed stand still and everything went silent. The spell was broken by a click from behind me. You can probably see where this is going now. 

As I tried the now firmly locked front door my predicament dawned on me closely followed by a shot of adrenaline, my heart rate sped up and I took the most obvious course of action available – leg it!

I sprinted off down the street in my socks, bouncing around inside loose fitting boxer shorts with shirttails flapping behind me in the wind. These were the only garments I had on and the Saturday night revellers gawped, open mouthed as I pat, patted down the street in my stockinged feet like a modern day Wee Willie Winkie.

The next corner couldn’t come soon enough. As I careened around it I could see a small car park appear to my left. I darted in, finally finding somewhere I could relieve my fully distended bladder. The relief was short lived though as a car opposite turned on its headlights and swung past me to exit the car park, lighting me up for all to see. I cut off midstream and jumped over a low wall which at least offered some protection. Only my head, shoulders and a rising column of steam were now visible. Unfortunately this went unnoticed by a young couple who wandered into the car park. Maybe it was the lighting, maybe they were simply blinded by love, in any case they propped themselves up against my wall and proceeded to involve themselves in what used to be described as ‘heavy petting’.

At this point I was completely pinned down. I can only imagine what their reaction would have been if a half naked man suddenly appeared from behind the wall they were french kissing next to. At best it would cause embarrassment all round. At worst I would be branded a pervert and physically assaulted. There was was no option but to simply sit it out. 

After what seemed like hours but could possibly have been only fifteen minutes, the couple disappeared off into the night. Perhaps they made plans to move to somewhere more comfortable than a car park with a strong smell of urine, I can’t be sure.

Finally I was in a position to take stock of the situation. By this point I was again, very disorientated. I couldn’t really remember which direction I had arrived from. At least I now recalled what town I was in and for what purpose. I count myself lucky it was a warm summers evening. Had it been December I would almost certainly have be suffering the effects of exposure by this point.

Surveying the surrounding area I soon clocked a very welcome sight. Behind the car park was a yard and on the far side of that, I could see into the back window of what was very clearly a hairdressers. I was behind our apartment. The rear of the hairdressers extended back with a flat roof. Above that I could see the darkened window of the apartment kitchen and, one story up from that, an open window with a drain pipe running up between the two.

I have no idea if the prospect of tackling such a climb to a small second story window, in my underwear, would fill a ‘sober me’ with dread. To the ‘drunk me’ it looked like salvation and minutes later I was squeezing myself through the narrow opening and stepping into the bath of the very room I had been searching for so long ago. Yes, I had finally found our bathroom, albeit the long way round.

As I collapsed back onto the bed next to my oblivious, snoring wife, a grin slowly spread across my face as I went over the last 20 minutes in my head. It had been a physically and mentally harrowing experience but one that would no doubt provide more than a few laughs when it was retold tomorrow over breakfast!

Cool Bus Rob